Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Good, The Bad, and The Creepy

Country life.  Oh.... what a life... You can't hide from the boogie men, they find you in all sorts of places. 

A few weeks ago:  It's late, my husband has yet to come home from work, as often is the case during these busy spring days, and I'm in the garden with the boys... watering.   So peaceful, so calm... Asa in the Ergo on my front, Jonah picking strawberries, laughing and pointing out every bug, butterfly and critter he spies with his little eyes.... then:  *CUE PSYCHO, SHOWER SCENE MUSIC* about 10 feet from me here is what I see:  a man, covered from head to toe in mud, appears out of nowhere from behind the barn, no shoes, cut off shorts, no shirt, about 6'4, long greasy hair, missing all but 3 teeth.... eyes like a fucking Siberian husky... oh and CARRYING A HUGE WRENCH AT HIS SIDE ("how did she die officer?" "we believe she was beat to death with a blunt object, maybe it was the wrench covered in brain matter we found in the bushes.")...
I say to him "What can I do for you *you fucking scary hillbilly*?"
He says in a surprisingly pleasant and gracious manner "Uh, My friend and I are stuck in the mud up yonder, can you pull us out?"  right, like I'm the ideal candidate to pull you out of the mud.  He wanted to know if my husband was home and I told him that he was but we were unable to help him and he should ask the neighbor across the road.   So he did.  I saw him in the bed of a pick up truck staring at me as he drove to rescue his truck, couldn't help but think that his look was more plotting and accusing than gracious and pleasant as I had believed before... 

Today, a similar story:  a man in a slate blue suv/jeep thing has been driving up and down the road going real slow when he gets to my house, which usually I thank people for doing because we have kids, but this guy was breaking his neck to see me and the babies and after about the 4th time seeing him creep by the house I got a little spooked.   Later when the kids were taking their naps I ventured out to the far garden past the barn into the second field, pretty far from the house and see this guy driving along the road matching my walking pace trying to get a good look at me.  FUCKING CREEPY.  So I whip back around and high step it to the house as if I just remembered I forgot something... surely believable.  And he turns around in the middle of the God damn road and pulls right next to me and says "Hey, um, is there any property for sale around here? *pointing to my property down the lane*"  helllll no.   I tell him no, and point away from us and say "check out up there, might be something that way''... thinking that I got rid of this guy I head back out to the far garden... just about to turn on the water when I hear a car door slam.  He's standing about 30ft from me, just looking around.   oooohhhhhh..... I'm pro guns.  As of today, completely pro guns. 

My husband asked what I wanted from town:  "hmm..... can you pick up some dish washing liquid, some fruit, some milk, a fucking .22 sidearm with a pretty pink holster to boot?  thanks." 

Country life.  It's pretty great most of the time, but I'm starting to think it's just a playground for the crazies.